declaration, adapted from 1 Cor 13

My previous blog detailed a declaration written about my season of singleness. This declaration below is a different type, one written directly from scripture. Someone gave me this idea and after reading this over myself, I have seen very real changes in my thoughts and actions. (Especially the “keeping no record of wrongs” part…I have actually found myself forgetting what someone did recently that evoked a negative emotion from me! I remember that they frustrated me but couldn’t remember why. Did you know it is impossible to be frustrated at someone if you don’t remember the reason they frustrated you to begin with?!)

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. With Christ in me, I lack nothing. 1 John 4.8 says God is love. So this declaration below is an expression of these truths.

1 Corinthians 13, written as a declaration

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

I am patient, I am kind. I do not envy, I do not boast, I am not proud. I do not dishonor others, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered, I keeps no record of wrongs.I do not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth.I always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For I know in part and I prophesy in part,but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now I see only a reflection as in a mirror; then I shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

my single declaration

I’ve always enjoyed making declarations with a body of believers. So I’ve taken to writing declarations for myself. We see the power of words discussed many times in scripture. Here are just two examples: Psalm 18: 21a Death and life are in the power of the tongue. or read James 3! Verse 5 says So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!

So, what do I want to give life to? What will I speak that I want to live and breath? Well, I wrote this declaration in my notes a while back, as something that I want to be real, and true, and desire for myself.

I will honor my husband today. I honor him with my thoughts and my mind. I choose him today over all the other stimuli that I’m being offered. I choose him over cheap flirtation. Over a need to be affirmed by other men. The Lord is my affirmer. He whispers in my ear and I choose to listen to his words over me and need not the words of men. I choose my husband over inappropriate movies and media. I honor my husband by guarding my mind and holding my tongue. I will not speak negative over my husband. I declare that he is worthy of my adoration, my trust, my life. I will follow him and give him all I have to offer all the days of my life. My commitment will not be swayed by emotions. Right now, I’m disciplining my emotions so that they do not control me. And in the days of my covenant marriage, I will live with disciplined emotions that are submitted to truth and honor.

This declaration is a work in progress. But I would encourage you to write your own. Who are you becoming for you husband / wife / children that you want to be in the foremost in your mind? This is not an activity just for single people, but for everyone who is growing into someone that is stronger and wiser down the road than they are today. Anyone who wants to declare good things for themselves. This declaration helps because when I am tempted to be distracted from what I want to become, I can recall this declaration and reinvigorate my convictions and beliefs. I remember why I’m doing what I’m doing, that my disciplines are not without purpose. I will read this declaration until all the truths held within it are a reality. Then I will write another one and continue to walk in deeper levels of growth.

Singleness and Self Discipline

The self control you exhibit in your life as a single person will directly impact your ability to exhibit self control within your marriage someday.

Remaining faithful in marriage requires restraint, control, intention. If we live frivolously before marriage then the shift to faithfulness and monogamy will be a sharp transition.

Those who remain faithful to their spouses for life do so not because of love, but because of commitment. They choose to stay devoted. Choose to honor each other, in word and deed…and body. And oh, how sweet, is a marriage built on honor and trust and commitment (those, I hear, have the best sex!).

So now, in my own life, I choose to honor my husband with my body BEFORE I have even met him. I do not sleep around. I don’t even mess around. Not because I am not tempted and do not have my own desires. But because I want to tell him, someday, that I chose a life of faithfulness to him over the fleeting pleasures offered today. And when I meet him, I pray God gives me the strength to honor him with my body while we date. And will sustain that grace to honor him with my body the rest of my life in marriage.

I see my time of singleness, right now, as my training ground. I am disciplining my flesh for marriage. Think of it this way…if you are 25 when you marry you have had about 10 years of “practice” and behavioral habits that you take into your marriage. What are you going to use that time for? Is there something you are doing in your life right now that you KNOW is a bad habit that you cannot take into marriage? Why not work to discipline yourself now, before marriage. Choose to be honoring to your future marriage…today.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13.3-5, quoting Deuteronomy 31.6

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6.24-26 (Aaronic blessing)

Check out Sacred Search by Gary Thomas (which prompted the thoughts above. Gary shares it in a much more witty and straightforward way than I previously experienced. I recommend his book. If you are already married, and a woman, check out Sacred Influence.)

imaginitive prayers birthed in praise

After a fantastic weekend of prayer and worship, my heart was in great anticipation of the morning service at church. And sure enough, my spirit was eager to enter into the Lord’s presence and praise him evermore! Here is a fun picture and prayer I received during worship time:

We pour honor onto your feet, our Mighty King. Let our praise be like a fragrant oil poured out upon your feet as we acknowledge that you are King. Let our praise be poured out as honor to you, King, most beautiful King.

My imagination celebrated the picture, seeing our praises rising up and thickening like oil, a fragrant offering in recognition of WHO God is and how worthy He is to receive our praises and seeing that oil be used to anoint His feet, in honor, it was a beautiful experience. (and remembering the passage in Luke 7:36-50 where the woman who lived a sinful life anointed Jesus feet with expensive perfume. This passage is ultimately on forgiveness … when forgiven a debt, who values the forgiveness more? the one who had the biggest debt! and guess what was the theme of the sermon that followed!?! Forgiveness!!! Oh how the Lord was preparing the hearts of the people to receive. If only we could all understand the unpayable debt we owe and how much we have been forgiven, that we might more fully understand the depth of LOVE that has been poured out, that we might in turn offer that same love back to the Lord, as a fragrant offering….aha! see the full circle!!! its so good.)

But, alas, the Lord has a bit more. So, back to the picture, I’m seeing the people in church, offering praises as a fragrant oil and imagining us bowed down, pouring this oil on the feet of the King. And guess what His response is? Here is the second prayer I received:

As we bow low, Father, humbling ourselves to you, we are bowed down before you. Will you bend low to meet with us, bend low, Father, so that we may look into your eyes? Smiling. Honored. We bow low together.

Ah, how sweeter the picture became. I see us, bowed down, honoring the Father, the worthy King, and He just stands up, walks over to me, and gets down on His knees next to me and looks over at me with this cheesy grin on his face. Almost like, “hey, whatcha doing?” hahahaha. He is just a goofy wonderful King. What started as pouring honor out became an exchange of honor. He, out of love and adoration, joined me on the floor and let me look into His eyes and feel His presence. And smiled at me.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4.16

humility, the evasive little booger

I’ve been learning difficult lessons on humility lately. Which, as the blog name suggests, can sometimes feel like its hard to put my finger on. However, I hope in sharing my struggle, and my honest reality with pride and selfishness, that I can convey the hope found in the Lord’s faithfulness. (FYI, there are no more booger references in this post, it just seemed an appropriate title…but the further I contemplated taking the analogy, the less comfortable with the concept I became…I’ll leave you to your own imagination, lol)

I am in a season of being humbled. And it is the most painful season with the Lord that I’ve been through yet. But it is also the most wonderful. Because part of being humbled is having to break off my selfishness and my judgement and pride. So I’m learning, more than ever, how to balance confidence in who I am and the gifts the Lord has created me with naturally with not taking myself too seriously. RT Kendall defines pride as taking oneself too seriously. For example, getting frustrated that I’m not getting the attention I deserve or the affirmation for my awesome skills or other similar things is a sign that I’m taking myself too seriously. Jeremy Taylor challenges that we should know our own unworthiness, and then it is easier when others don’t value us enough because we already knew the truth! Like I said before, it is a balance. I want to know who I am in Christ, but not be pious about it. Be confident in my abilities, but need the affirmations of MEN less and GOD more.

Let me be more plain (transparent). For years, I have KNOWN that pride was an issue for me. Whether it was a therapist, professor, roommate, or mentor, I have been told over and over, for years, that I have an issue with pride. Which always frustrated me! Pride isn’t like other sins that are easy to point out and know how to fix. Pride is clever and crafty and feels genuine. I didn’t know how to identify the difference in healthy confident thoughts and prideful ones. So, as all treacherous growth stories start, I asked the Lord to show me what pride looks like. I prayed and asked for clarity. And the Lord, in his vast amounts of grace and wisdom, did not open my eyes immediately to my pride. Instead, he has taken me on a 6 year journey to discover it. However, last summer I took a GIANT leap forward in finally seeing what other people see.

I was knocked out of my ivory tower and slammed face first into the ground. Maybe the Lord decided to take a giant leap forward in the lesson. Or maybe he just got tired of my stubbornest and decided I needed a bigger push. Whatever the case, I experienced something that I have never experienced before. (I’m leaving out the physical/natural story and focusing on the spiritual aspect of this story…so I hope I can communicate clearly). The Lord, for the first time I can EVER recall in my life, allowed me to see my own sin. And he did so by showing me his faithfulness. His holiness. His purity. And for some reason, the veil was pulled back and I saw the ugliness in my own heart. I really DID think I was better than other people. I really DID think the rules didn’t apply to me. I realized my own selfish motives, selfish desires, manipulative ways, and it was sickening. God’s faithfulness was the most important aspect of it all. He loved me and chose me and he never left my side. He just finally decided to open my eyes to the reality that was within me. And the Lord, in a sweet way, kept saying what RT Kendall says in his book “get over yourself!” So many situations that used to get me upset and annoy me about other people was all about ME anyway! “They didn’t give me credit for that, I worked hard on that!” or “Wow, that person really sucks. I know I could have done that better.” and on and on and on the idiotic thoughts ran through my brain.

But back to God’s faithfulness. I’m sharing because upon reflection the other day of my continued struggle not to get upset and to seek clarity when I’m upset, the Lord’s faithfulness was revealed to me in a new way. When I am offended, or upset, or frustrated at others, my course of action is to sit and write in my journal. I do so with the expectation that the Lord will guide my writings, which always start selfishly and angrily, and I allow the Lord to guide my thoughts to his Truth about me and the situation. So, recently, I was writing out my anger in my journal and a prayer was formed. This prayer was formed from the reflection on the joy to be taken in the pain/suffering which the Lord is allowing me to process. Because the fact that life has been difficult, and I am not able to react and think like I did before, is a sign of the Lord’s faithfulness to complete the work he has started in me!! He began the process of rooting out my pride and selfishness and he is going to see it through! So, here is my prayer, which I hope encourages anyone else that is in a difficult season of growth:

>>Be faithful to the work you began in me. Break me. Do not release me Father. Hold fast. Hold tight. Be faithful. Break me. Break me Father. Be faithful to what you started. Do not release me until you are done with me. I release the comforts and affirmation I seek from others and want only what you have to say and offer. I want only what you say and think of me to define me. Forgive me for being so easily swayed. Forgive me for caring about these other things. Forgive me for being so easily offended. You are the most glorious, most beautiful, most trustworthy and I settle into you and what you think of me. You alone define me. You alone humble me. You alone can raise me up. I will wait. I will trust. I will listen. You alone are good.<<

God was promising me that he will not desert me. When he started rooting out my pride, he knew it would take YEARS! He will never get fed up and say “oh, you stubborn senseless woman! how many times must I repeat myself? How many times must I give you chance after chance to show me you are listening?? I am done with you!” No, he will never and has never said that.

If you have ever been trained in restraining children, then you know something that is important to know BEFORE you restrain a child. If a child is having a fit and is uncontrollable, then you can take the child, if they are small enough, and sit cross legged on the floor and hold them tight and close to you in your lap. And you must hold this pose until the child is calm and safe (for both themselves and other children that may be around them). However, if the child is stubborn and persistent enough, and are adamant about being “released,” then they may pee on you to try and force you to release them. Knowing this ahead of time is important, because you do not need to move or get up until the child is calm and safe. If you were not expecting it, then you might overreact.

So, when I take a child and hold them tight and sit down, I know that no matter what that child says or does, that I will persist to keep them safe until it is the right time to release them. And while I’m holding them, do you know what I do? I calm my breathing. I speak truth over them and tell them how wonderful they are. And I tell them they are safe. And loved. And I may sing a song and rock them until they relax and surrender. And you know what? That is exactly how Father God deals with my outburst and anger and stubbornness. And nothing I do will surprise him and force him to release me. NOTHING I do can remove me from the protective, loving, hand of God. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8: 37-39 He even sings over us!! The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3.17

He is faithful. He is good. When there is nothing good in me. I cannot strive in my flesh and make him more faithful. I cannot ignore him and make him less faithful. I can scream and cry and kick and even pee in his lap, and it will not change his faithfulness. He started this work in me and he will see it through. He loves me too much to let go until he is done. Because he is good. Here is a scripture that embodies the lesson he taught me that day:

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.… And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. – Philippians 1: 3-6,9-11

God feels….

Recently, I was discussing this latest blog topic with a friend of mine. And I was passionately sharing how God is never disappointed in us because he is never surprised by our sinfulness. He looked right at me and asked “then what does he feel when we sin?” I’ll admit, in that moment, I did not have a brilliant answer. I said, “sad, i guess”….but even as I spoke the simple answer, the joy in my declaration of his lack is disappointment faded and my mind began to ponder this question. What does he feel when we make these mistakes?

I heard an amazing quote once: EXPECTATIONS ARE PREMEDITATED OFFENSES.

This quote goes right along with the point I was trying to make about how God differs from humans. In our daily lives, we get disappointed in people all the time, and most times, as the quote above states, it is because we had an expectation of behavior that did not occur in reality. “I thought you were going to call” or “i can’t believe you thought that would be okay” or “why didn’t you …..” You see, if you really look at most of our frustrations with other people, they start with US, they start when we project expectations on others and when those are not met then we get hurt or frustrated or angry.

I’m not saying there isn’t a good place for expectations. Because obviously there is!!! We expect people to wear clothes, show up to work/school, respect each other…etc. I’m just saying, many offenses are birthed out of unrealistic expectations or even just miss communicated expectations. And I pray God gives us more grace to understand how different we are and have patience for our differences. Diversity is part of the beauty in God’s creation.

Anyway, that was just for some clarity and observation that we humans and God differ in the area of disappointment because God doesn’t live in the limited space of time and sinfulness that we do. But the questions remains….what does he feel?

The question itself implies a lot about what my friend believes….and I agree with him on this note: GOD FEELS. Here are a few examples in scripture: He is grieved (Psalm 78.40), angry (Deuteronomy 1.37), pleased (1 Kings 3.10), joyful (Zephaniah 3.17), and moved by pity (Judges 2.18). (side note: in Hebrew, the same word is used for grieved and pity, as seen in the list above, and it means to be sorry or console oneself, regret, be comforted. It is used many times in the Old Testament to show both God and people changing their minds / emotions about situations….may have to research and write a blog on that word! It looks interesting….) Anyway, there are many references in scripture about the emotions of God (has anyone read about the exodus?? The interactions between the Lord and Moses have always made me smile and wonder about how emotional God can be!).

Others believe that the emotions of the Lord as presented in scripture are figurative, relating it to the emotional equivalent of anthropomorphisms (there’s my big word for the day, it means giving physical attributes to God: hands of God (Exodus 15.17), feet (1 Kings 5.3), eyes (2 Chronicles 16.9) etc) Also, I found there is a word for describing the emotions of God, which is anthropopathisms. Now you are fully equipped to go sound super intelligent today by working that into random conversation! Don’t say I never gave you anything!! haha

The point is not that we have fancy words for how we talk about God (altho that is kind of fun) but that we, as readers of scripture, have to decide if we are projecting our humanity ONTO God, or if we are discovering the nature of God within ourselves as found in scripture. Does God feel pity? Get angry? Regret? Because some would say that saying “the hand of God” is the same as saying “the anger of God”…that neither one really exist, they are just words scripture uses to describe God at a given moment.

The fear, on our part, may be that if we attribute emotions, as a whole, to God, then we wonder if He is also moody and unpredictable in the same way we are! The balance, in my opinion, is to realize that God FEELS many of the same emotions we do but He is not wallowing in the sinfulness that we are. I would argue that feelings are part of his nature that He breathed into Adam and Eve and that He is the original source of all genuine and good emotions. And the negative ones that we have to deal with are the result of the fallen world we live in (fear, doubt, envy, jealousy…).

I had a professor once that said “The day God gave man free will was the day he opened a wound that would never heal.” That was probably the first time I remember thinking about how our actions affect God. That statement troubled me deeply. I don’t believe in the full extent of what he was saying, but its an interesting, and necessary, thought for believers. How do our actions / choices affect God?

Because we are broken and bruised people, then for many, our mental picture of God is so skewed and distorted. Some may see him as a distant, angry, zeus-like, dictator, etc. So the purpose in communicating God’s lack of disappointment was meant to encourage those who have this feeling, and even those who just struggle to feel the need to perform for God’s love (don’t we all?!), that his love is not dependent on our actions. ……….. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8.38-39) ………. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us,even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2.4-9) ……… But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5.8).

You can decide for yourself what God feels when you sin. But for me, the most moving factor to remember is that no matter what I DO and no matter what HE FEELS …. He loves me. He loves me the same yesterday, today, and forever. He loved me before I ever existed. He knew the worst thing I would ever do, the most selfish moment on earth that I would ever have, and He looked through the lattice of time and said “I choose her” and “I love her” and nothing I ever do can separate me from His love. The more I accept His perfect love, the more I am changed for the better. Sin is not dissipated because I don’t want to hurt God’s feelings. That may feel like a motivation, but it is shallow and incomplete. I am deterred from my selfishness because there is someone more beautiful and desirable than anything on earth that tries to distract me from Him. And by staring into the eyes of perfection and grace, into the eyes of my heavenly Father, I am able to become more of who He created me to be and turn away from my selfish ways.

disappointment

Just a note….when listening to a sermon in the gym, be cautious. Because when you are lifting weights next to the super buff guy and you bust out laughing…he will think you are laughing at him and make evil eyes at you. hahaha

Anyway…I was listening to a great sermon from New Spring Church about the life of Job. The pastor was discussing performance….which is a constant struggle for me personally. He said something that ROCKED my world, so I wanted to share.

What is disappointment? Disappointment is to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of another person. What have we all heard from a parent or friend at some point?…. “I am so disappointed in you.” That most painful phrase. Because they expected us to behave in a certain way, which we did not, and therefore they were disappointed.

So what about God? Has God ever been disappointed in me? My instinct says YES! I have disappointed him over and over and over and over again. But wait…has God ever been surprised by my failures or my weaknesses? Has he ever been surprised by my sin? my selfishness? my pride? ….NO!!! God has never been surprised and therefore God has never been disappointed! You see, God KNEW all my sin, failure, selfishness, pride, lust, anger, judgement, envy, all my worst junk and he looked into my future and saw everything bad that I would ever do and he chose me anyway. He loved me anyway. Yes, He loves me anyway.

There is an EPIC song by Misty Edwards called I Knew What I was Getting Into….here is a youtube link, listen and prepare to get rocked: http://youtu.be/GLYB0F4Uzeo

Too many times we build our theology on our experiences and not on the truth and word of God. Don’t let our humanity in the area of disappointment mislead you into thinking that God feels the same way. Just think of Gideon in the Old Testament (found in Judges 6-8). God called him out, a coward among men, to lead a tiny army to defeat their enemy. All along the way, Gideon was weak and fearful and every time he had doubts the Lord affirmed and encouraged Gideon. And He used Gideon to bring great victory for the Israelites. Gideon was willing to listen and obey, despite his imperfections. God is asking the same of us.

God the Father knew you and chose you long ago, and his Spirit has made you holy. As a result, you have obeyed him and have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ. May God give you more and more grace and peace. 1 Peter 1.2

http://newspring.cc/watchandlisten/ to see/listen online or you can get their sermons free on iTunes. I HIGHLY recommend the Eve and Adam series about women!!! So good!!

a better question

I get one question a lot: how’s your mom doing?

The other day, a dear friend asked me this question again. The same question that everyone asks. And even though I have answered this question many times and many ways, with varying degrees of honesty and vulnerability or vagueness, this particular time (being already tired and too emotionally drained to be nice) my answer was harsh and forward. I’m tired of this question. I have no good answer to it. My options are to be shallow and direct “oh, shes fine, thanks for asking.” If that’s the kind of answer you want, then don’t even ask, because I hate giving it. I hate all shallow answers to all questions. But when I give an honest answer, and use more than one sentence to explain how things are and what is new with mom, then I see people zone out and quit listening, or interrupt me with a different question. They didn’t really want to know, they are just being polite and asking because they think they should. or maybe they thought they wanted to know, but the answer makes them regret the inquiry. Don’t do that. It hurts more to see people pretend to care of give some social expectation level of caring than to not get the question. Don’t ask unless you want to know. And if you really want to know, then listen when I answer. But I’ve also learned that when the answer, on occasion as it is, turns out to be negative (maybe there is a struggle going on and I’m honest about it), then I see people regret asking again. They ask because they want some praise report or some miracle story. And when the answer is negative, they apologize for asking. They feel bad they asked and made me talk about the hard times. I’m tired of the question. I have tried and tried to formulate a one sentence answer that will satisfy those casually curious people and also suffice for the genuinely concerned. I don’t have one yet. “things continue to be tough at times, but mom keeps her faith and is inspiring to those around her, and we continue to believe for a miracle” That’s about the best I’ve come up with. And it works. But what’s going on with my family and my mom is complex and ever changing and I don’t always even know what’s going on because I’m not there and I’m not always informed. I don’t like this question.

After my (way too long) rant and stern words, my dear friend, who is obviously taken back by my words, responds with something so touching and sensitive. She says “when I ask how your mom is, what I really mean is, how is your heart in dealing with this situation?” wow. That is a totally different question. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the question more and more. Because as we each traverse through the complicated issues and situations in life, we build / modify our theology and our relationship with the Lord changes and grows (whether closer to Him or further away). Through the process of mom’s illness, I have struggled to trust a God that would allow my mother to suffer in ways that she has. And to see my family be effected in the ways they have. And even though some prayers have been answered, others have not. Big prayers have been left unanswered to my satisfaction. And my relationship with the Lord has definitely ebbed and flowed. And my answer to this question, where is my heart, is a question I can answer. I know where my heart is with the Lord.

I chose to share this story because I think my friend hit on something brilliant. Most of us will, at some point in life, deal with a family illness or know someone who is dealing with a family illness. And instead of taking our social cues from tradition and asking “how is so-and-so.” which I know at times has its place, but we can also ask a much more meaningful question. With everything that’s going on, how is your heart with the Lord?

I know that as my mother’s illness has progressed that each of my family members has been on their own painful journey of faith with the Lord. And each of us come to our own conclusions about his goodness and faithfulness and his role in our lives. And I know for me, talking about my journey and struggle in my faith has helped me tremendously. So, if you can be that person for someone, that will allow them to talk about their heart and their faith, and let them process the events and emotions, then I encourage you to remember this question. How is your heart?

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. Psalm 28.7

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”…Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Ps 27. 7-8, 14

Gold Digger

recently in life group, we were discussing the depth of disappointment and hope. unanswered prayers. persistent hope. frustrations and joys. then afterwards we took time to declare who God is to each of us (He is my healer, provider, Father of good gifts, my strength, etc). The Lord gave me a fun declaration that I want to share : )

I declare the Lord is a gold digger!

(i even heard the song in my head, but i like the glee version, b/c its clean….i aint sayin she’s a gold digger…)

I felt the Lord wanted to say… He likes to be around us because we are VALUABLE. And since the Holy Spirit is in me, then I already have things like the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control). So when I ask the Lord for joy, He doesn’t just “give”me joy, He reaches instead of me to pull out, to call out, to highlight, what is already inside of me. He is calling out and digging inside of me for those gold nuggets! So He can then show them to me, all shiny and glamorous, and say “hey, look what I found in you! I knew it was there, because I gave it to you long ago.”

He is so funny! And encouraging.

Galatians 5: 1, 16, 22-23 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery….But I say, walk by the Spirit…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

b-utter shame

So, yesterday i wrote this (great?!) blog about love, shame, and intimacy. then, i went home and felt lonely. literally just moments after writing this blog i was faced with the reality of my own emotions. i was alone. and a little jealous of friends with boyfriends and husbands and babies. and in a society that values marriage and family above singleness in many ways, there can be shame associated with the single life. What’s wrong with me that i’m not married and cherished by a man and bearing children? Not only do I ask myself these questions, but my family and (even) well-meaning strangers ask these questions: Are you seeing anybody? Do you have any children? Why do these things have to define my life as a success or failure? Well, they don’t. But sometimes i get distracted from the awesomeness of God and i let my emotions, my loneliness and jealousy, take away my attention.

But it wasn’t until i was sitting there, eating butter out of the tub and watching netflix that i realized that i was facing the very challenge i just wrote about. (ok, don’t judge me too harshly on the butter….i’m on a low carb/no sugar food plan, so comfort foods just don’t exist in my world and i do love butter. it was all i could find in the house. diet coke and butter was my comfort of choice at the moment). so i’m sitting there, watching a woman birth a beautiful baby, and as the fifth tiny spoonful of butter melts on my tongue, i realize that i’m feeling lonely and jealous and i’m covering it with BUTTER! Talk about covering my shame.

So i asked myself: Self, what was that brilliant thing i wrote earlier? i wrote that intimacy is the answer and just stop and sit and ask the Lord to give you what you need in that moment. This is where the rubber meets the road. Do i really believe what i wrote? If so, then i need to try it. live it. i put the butter away. and….

i pulled out my painting supplies. very urgently, i think in an effort to quickly redeem myself. Then i play the exciting new album i just bought: Kim Walker-Smith singing The King is Here (collaborated with by the awesome Christa Black). and i begin to paint.

white canvas. it annoys me. i want to canvas to feel what i feel. so i start with black. and with every brush stroke i declare, out loud, who God is to me. you are the only one that satisfies me. you are the Lord of my life. you are the most beautiful person i know. and i keep painting until the whole canvas is black. then i let the Lord guide me with every color and brush stroke after that. purple, he says. purple? blah. no wait, dark purple. i splotch out this cornucopia shape slowly into the black. cornucopia*? what is that, anyway? that thing that holds fruit at thanksgiving, i think. Then blue/purple, same shape, just twisted a bit. then a blue one, then a green one, then yellow, each getting smaller. so now i have these cornucopia swirls. now, i had an image, a silhouette of Jesus with a crown of thorns in my mind, but i didn’t know if i had the skill to put it on the canvas. So i asked the Lord, what next? flip the canvas, he said. ok, that’s easy enough. now, we are going to paint that image, but upside down. upside down?! i probably can’t do it right side up! Do you trust me? he ask. Let’s do it together. upside down. sigh. sigh. sigh. ok.

So i get my little angled brush and away with the white we go. I painted carefully, trying to listen to His guidance and NOT my left brain (that critical, no, that isn’t right, side of the brain). i took it slow. i trusted. he guided. we painted. the king is here. the king is here.

And, voila! I turned it around and i could see the King!!!! And in that moment, i felt so completely loved and adored. all the crap i was feeling earlier was GONE. i knew he loved me. i knew he was with me. and i knew i wanted more time with him. So i turned out the lights and sat in his presence, listening to music, and lost track of time.

I share this, because sometimes we can hear / read good teaching but what does it look like to apply it? Well, for me, this is what it looked like to push past the shame, and stop wallowing, and let the Lord love on me. Find an activity you can do with the Lord that allows him to speak to you, or just sit, or whatever you can do to enter his presence. If nothing else, read Psalm 100:

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations

This Psalm tells us we enter His presence through praise. so, if you can do nothing else, then just sit and praise Him and who He is. come to think of it, that is how i started my painting! not declaring how i feel but what i know to be truth.

*cornucopia, by the way, i looked it up and it is the symbol of abundance and nourishment. Not that’s good stuff!!!!

Here is the final result : )

uncaged lion

idiotropic meanderings

Spirituality