disappointment

Just a note….when listening to a sermon in the gym, be cautious. Because when you are lifting weights next to the super buff guy and you bust out laughing…he will think you are laughing at him and make evil eyes at you. hahaha

Anyway…I was listening to a great sermon from New Spring Church about the life of Job. The pastor was discussing performance….which is a constant struggle for me personally. He said something that ROCKED my world, so I wanted to share.

What is disappointment? Disappointment is to fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of another person. What have we all heard from a parent or friend at some point?…. “I am so disappointed in you.” That most painful phrase. Because they expected us to behave in a certain way, which we did not, and therefore they were disappointed.

So what about God? Has God ever been disappointed in me? My instinct says YES! I have disappointed him over and over and over and over again. But wait…has God ever been surprised by my failures or my weaknesses? Has he ever been surprised by my sin? my selfishness? my pride? ….NO!!! God has never been surprised and therefore God has never been disappointed! You see, God KNEW all my sin, failure, selfishness, pride, lust, anger, judgement, envy, all my worst junk and he looked into my future and saw everything bad that I would ever do and he chose me anyway. He loved me anyway. Yes, He loves me anyway.

There is an EPIC song by Misty Edwards called I Knew What I was Getting Into….here is a youtube link, listen and prepare to get rocked: http://youtu.be/GLYB0F4Uzeo

Too many times we build our theology on our experiences and not on the truth and word of God. Don’t let our humanity in the area of disappointment mislead you into thinking that God feels the same way. Just think of Gideon in the Old Testament (found in Judges 6-8). God called him out, a coward among men, to lead a tiny army to defeat their enemy. All along the way, Gideon was weak and fearful and every time he had doubts the Lord affirmed and encouraged Gideon. And He used Gideon to bring great victory for the Israelites. Gideon was willing to listen and obey, despite his imperfections. God is asking the same of us.

God the Father knew you and chose you long ago, and his Spirit has made you holy. As a result, you have obeyed him and have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ. May God give you more and more grace and peace. 1 Peter 1.2

http://newspring.cc/watchandlisten/ to see/listen online or you can get their sermons free on iTunes. I HIGHLY recommend the Eve and Adam series about women!!! So good!!

the squirrel and the boss

The time the squirrel peed on my boss…

Its time for a fun story. So….back when I was working my first full time job out of college, I had a gorgeous black lab. she was on a long chain in the back yard that encompassed a tree. Well, there was an annoying squirrel that would drop acorns on the dog while she was sleeping. It was quite hilarious really. Poor Lanie would move around trying to get comfy in the shade (b/c we live in Texas!) and the squirrel would move around on the branches and drop acorns on her. Who knew squirrels could be so silly?! Oh, that was only the beginning. Apparently, the acorn dropper had a baby, which one day fell out of the tree. This day was a RAINY day and I looked out the window to see the dog with something alive in her mouth so I ran out to “save” it from her clutches and discovered it to be a baby squirrel!! This squirrel was big enough that it had all its hair (to the cute stage) but small enough it couldn’t care for itself. So I wrapped it in a towel and it eventually woke up and “attached” itself to me! When it stopped raining, I put the baby back on the tree…thinking it would run up to mommy, but no such luck. hhmmm…research time! So I found out what it could eat, how to care for it, and that it was illegal to keep it. So I found a reserve about an hour away that could take it, but I couldn’t get there for about a week, so I just kept the squirrel with me until then.

And when I say I kept the squirrel with me, I mean that the squirrel would not leave my body. It climbed up on my shoulder to perch, went everywhere with me, slept on my stomach at night, curled up in the curve of my back while I drove, ate out of my hand, went with me everywhere. I think one of the best moments was when I drove thru to get BBQ one night and the lady about fell over when I pulled up to the window with the squirrel on my shoulder, lol!

Anyway, so as life goes, I had to go to work. desk job. and so did the squirrel. And things went generally well. minor distractions. I had a little bottle from the vet I would feed it with and some peeled/diced grapes (yea, try doing that!). One day my boss came to show me something at my desk and while he was sitting in my chair the squirrel leaped onto his back. He thought it was kind of cute, for like a minute, until he started feeling something warm on his back. Oh yes, the squirrel relieved itself on the dry-cleaned finely pressed fancy shirt back of my boss!!

Yea, that was one of the best/worst days of my job!!! Overall, one of the coolest weeks ever.

a better question

I get one question a lot: how’s your mom doing?

The other day, a dear friend asked me this question again. The same question that everyone asks. And even though I have answered this question many times and many ways, with varying degrees of honesty and vulnerability or vagueness, this particular time (being already tired and too emotionally drained to be nice) my answer was harsh and forward. I’m tired of this question. I have no good answer to it. My options are to be shallow and direct “oh, shes fine, thanks for asking.” If that’s the kind of answer you want, then don’t even ask, because I hate giving it. I hate all shallow answers to all questions. But when I give an honest answer, and use more than one sentence to explain how things are and what is new with mom, then I see people zone out and quit listening, or interrupt me with a different question. They didn’t really want to know, they are just being polite and asking because they think they should. or maybe they thought they wanted to know, but the answer makes them regret the inquiry. Don’t do that. It hurts more to see people pretend to care of give some social expectation level of caring than to not get the question. Don’t ask unless you want to know. And if you really want to know, then listen when I answer. But I’ve also learned that when the answer, on occasion as it is, turns out to be negative (maybe there is a struggle going on and I’m honest about it), then I see people regret asking again. They ask because they want some praise report or some miracle story. And when the answer is negative, they apologize for asking. They feel bad they asked and made me talk about the hard times. I’m tired of the question. I have tried and tried to formulate a one sentence answer that will satisfy those casually curious people and also suffice for the genuinely concerned. I don’t have one yet. “things continue to be tough at times, but mom keeps her faith and is inspiring to those around her, and we continue to believe for a miracle” That’s about the best I’ve come up with. And it works. But what’s going on with my family and my mom is complex and ever changing and I don’t always even know what’s going on because I’m not there and I’m not always informed. I don’t like this question.

After my (way too long) rant and stern words, my dear friend, who is obviously taken back by my words, responds with something so touching and sensitive. She says “when I ask how your mom is, what I really mean is, how is your heart in dealing with this situation?” wow. That is a totally different question. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the question more and more. Because as we each traverse through the complicated issues and situations in life, we build / modify our theology and our relationship with the Lord changes and grows (whether closer to Him or further away). Through the process of mom’s illness, I have struggled to trust a God that would allow my mother to suffer in ways that she has. And to see my family be effected in the ways they have. And even though some prayers have been answered, others have not. Big prayers have been left unanswered to my satisfaction. And my relationship with the Lord has definitely ebbed and flowed. And my answer to this question, where is my heart, is a question I can answer. I know where my heart is with the Lord.

I chose to share this story because I think my friend hit on something brilliant. Most of us will, at some point in life, deal with a family illness or know someone who is dealing with a family illness. And instead of taking our social cues from tradition and asking “how is so-and-so.” which I know at times has its place, but we can also ask a much more meaningful question. With everything that’s going on, how is your heart with the Lord?

I know that as my mother’s illness has progressed that each of my family members has been on their own painful journey of faith with the Lord. And each of us come to our own conclusions about his goodness and faithfulness and his role in our lives. And I know for me, talking about my journey and struggle in my faith has helped me tremendously. So, if you can be that person for someone, that will allow them to talk about their heart and their faith, and let them process the events and emotions, then I encourage you to remember this question. How is your heart?

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. Psalm 28.7

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”…Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Ps 27. 7-8, 14

Diaper Drawings

Ecclesiastes 3.4a A time to weep and a time to laugh

We all know this verse is true, no matter what you believe. There is a time for everything. But sometimes, even when its time to cry and mourn, its also nice to laugh.

For those who don’t know me well, then you don’t know that my mother is currently in a wheelchair. She has struggled with a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis since May 2008, which has resulted in multiple trips to the ICU and hospitals over the past years. (don’t click away yet…this is a happy story!)

During one such stint, she was in a season of not being able to get out of bed which resulted in having to wear adult diapers. NOT the greatest time of her life, can we just say. It is very difficult to be an adult, fully aware and in control of your bowels, that has to pee in a diaper just because you can’t move your legs.

I noticed the hospital diapers were all blue and had no pictures. I thought to myself, how lame. All the kids get fun diapers, with mickey mouse or cars racing around on them. why do we think the adult diapers have to be so lame?? (yes, i’m aware its a cost issue. still lame) So…I brought a package of markers to the hospital. And every time I changed mom’s diaper, I would draw a picture on it first!!! Pretty soon, the nurses wanted in on the action. They were drawing pictures too! Then the family started helping. We had a lot of artistic expressions happening. But one stands out more than others.

Some of us went for coffee and when we came back my dad has been the one to change mom’s diaper while we were gone. He had chosen, previously, not to participate in this “silly” activity, as my father is a more conservative, composed (country) gentlemen. However, for whatever reason on this day, he chose to play along. And in the utmost humorous fashion, he did what only a husband could do and get away with, he drew mom’s diaper with the male genitalia on it. Oh yes, we returned and found mom with a one eyed monster on her diaper. Really dad?!?! hahaha it was the most memorable, and humorous, of all the pictures ever drawn. And of course, this picture was mom’s all time favorite. …oh these kids, I tell ya, they crack me up!

This story illustrates how my family survived what was then, and continues to be, a difficult time. There is a time to cry and mourn. and be angry. and frustrated. but there is also a healing power to the laughter and the joy that can be created and shared in these most challenging moments. and hey, mom is no longer in diapers! Praise the Lord for little victories.

Proverbs 17.22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Habakkuk 3.18 Yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

Philippians 4.4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 4.7-8 You have put gladness in my heart, More than when their grain and new wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.

Gold Digger

recently in life group, we were discussing the depth of disappointment and hope. unanswered prayers. persistent hope. frustrations and joys. then afterwards we took time to declare who God is to each of us (He is my healer, provider, Father of good gifts, my strength, etc). The Lord gave me a fun declaration that I want to share : )

I declare the Lord is a gold digger!

(i even heard the song in my head, but i like the glee version, b/c its clean….i aint sayin she’s a gold digger…)

I felt the Lord wanted to say… He likes to be around us because we are VALUABLE. And since the Holy Spirit is in me, then I already have things like the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control). So when I ask the Lord for joy, He doesn’t just “give”me joy, He reaches instead of me to pull out, to call out, to highlight, what is already inside of me. He is calling out and digging inside of me for those gold nuggets! So He can then show them to me, all shiny and glamorous, and say “hey, look what I found in you! I knew it was there, because I gave it to you long ago.”

He is so funny! And encouraging.

Galatians 5: 1, 16, 22-23 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery….But I say, walk by the Spirit…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

b-utter shame

So, yesterday i wrote this (great?!) blog about love, shame, and intimacy. then, i went home and felt lonely. literally just moments after writing this blog i was faced with the reality of my own emotions. i was alone. and a little jealous of friends with boyfriends and husbands and babies. and in a society that values marriage and family above singleness in many ways, there can be shame associated with the single life. What’s wrong with me that i’m not married and cherished by a man and bearing children? Not only do I ask myself these questions, but my family and (even) well-meaning strangers ask these questions: Are you seeing anybody? Do you have any children? Why do these things have to define my life as a success or failure? Well, they don’t. But sometimes i get distracted from the awesomeness of God and i let my emotions, my loneliness and jealousy, take away my attention.

But it wasn’t until i was sitting there, eating butter out of the tub and watching netflix that i realized that i was facing the very challenge i just wrote about. (ok, don’t judge me too harshly on the butter….i’m on a low carb/no sugar food plan, so comfort foods just don’t exist in my world and i do love butter. it was all i could find in the house. diet coke and butter was my comfort of choice at the moment). so i’m sitting there, watching a woman birth a beautiful baby, and as the fifth tiny spoonful of butter melts on my tongue, i realize that i’m feeling lonely and jealous and i’m covering it with BUTTER! Talk about covering my shame.

So i asked myself: Self, what was that brilliant thing i wrote earlier? i wrote that intimacy is the answer and just stop and sit and ask the Lord to give you what you need in that moment. This is where the rubber meets the road. Do i really believe what i wrote? If so, then i need to try it. live it. i put the butter away. and….

i pulled out my painting supplies. very urgently, i think in an effort to quickly redeem myself. Then i play the exciting new album i just bought: Kim Walker-Smith singing The King is Here (collaborated with by the awesome Christa Black). and i begin to paint.

white canvas. it annoys me. i want to canvas to feel what i feel. so i start with black. and with every brush stroke i declare, out loud, who God is to me. you are the only one that satisfies me. you are the Lord of my life. you are the most beautiful person i know. and i keep painting until the whole canvas is black. then i let the Lord guide me with every color and brush stroke after that. purple, he says. purple? blah. no wait, dark purple. i splotch out this cornucopia shape slowly into the black. cornucopia*? what is that, anyway? that thing that holds fruit at thanksgiving, i think. Then blue/purple, same shape, just twisted a bit. then a blue one, then a green one, then yellow, each getting smaller. so now i have these cornucopia swirls. now, i had an image, a silhouette of Jesus with a crown of thorns in my mind, but i didn’t know if i had the skill to put it on the canvas. So i asked the Lord, what next? flip the canvas, he said. ok, that’s easy enough. now, we are going to paint that image, but upside down. upside down?! i probably can’t do it right side up! Do you trust me? he ask. Let’s do it together. upside down. sigh. sigh. sigh. ok.

So i get my little angled brush and away with the white we go. I painted carefully, trying to listen to His guidance and NOT my left brain (that critical, no, that isn’t right, side of the brain). i took it slow. i trusted. he guided. we painted. the king is here. the king is here.

And, voila! I turned it around and i could see the King!!!! And in that moment, i felt so completely loved and adored. all the crap i was feeling earlier was GONE. i knew he loved me. i knew he was with me. and i knew i wanted more time with him. So i turned out the lights and sat in his presence, listening to music, and lost track of time.

I share this, because sometimes we can hear / read good teaching but what does it look like to apply it? Well, for me, this is what it looked like to push past the shame, and stop wallowing, and let the Lord love on me. Find an activity you can do with the Lord that allows him to speak to you, or just sit, or whatever you can do to enter his presence. If nothing else, read Psalm 100:

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations

This Psalm tells us we enter His presence through praise. so, if you can do nothing else, then just sit and praise Him and who He is. come to think of it, that is how i started my painting! not declaring how i feel but what i know to be truth.

*cornucopia, by the way, i looked it up and it is the symbol of abundance and nourishment. Not that’s good stuff!!!!

Here is the final result : )

love shame intimacy

love your neighbor as yourself. seems simple enough. but what if you don’t love yourself? what if you know all the flaws and shortcomings and sins about yourself that no one else does? What if your thoughts are selfish and wicked? What if you judge other people? We judge what they wear, and what they say, and how they spend their money, and how they show love. I judge.

love your neighbor as yourself. i think this principle is less something to strive towards and more a reflection of reality. I think WE DO love our neighbor as we love ourselves. the problem is the way we love ourselves. the problem is what we think about ourselves. we see weakness and sin and failure and then when we look at others, guess what we see?? weakness and sin and failure. we turn the hatred for ourselves outwards towards other people.

I have to learn to see Christ in me before i can see Christ in others.

If i may take this a step further….

Shame is the key to this issue, in my opinion. When Adam and Eve became aware of their sin for the first time ever, shame entered the world. Then, instead of continuing the relationship built on intimacy and vulnerability, they covered the parts of their bodies that represented the intimacy that had been broken. The covered their bodies from each other AND from God. Shame took their eyes off of each other and what they had been given and put it on themselves. They thought covering themselves was the answer. And we do the same thing today. We cover our shame with other stuff (anger? food? cutting? distance? lies? silence?) and separate ourselves from intimacy with God and with other people. Even though intimacy is the answer. Intimacy is the answer. Intimacy is the answer. did you get that yet? Intimacy creates life. Intimacy creates good fruit. Intimacy creates. So the enemy attacks intimacy and tricks us into separation, self hatred, and shame.

In the Old Testament, men lived in a visitation society. God came and met with them then he left again. We no longer live in a visitation society because Christ died for our sins and the Holy Spirit has come and lives inside of us. All the time. And because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we live in a season of GRACE. not judgement, but grace. we are covered by His blood and when God looks at us He sees the reflection of Himself that He placed in us in the womb and longs to call out our destiny and our beauty. He longs to draw near and give us experiences with Him.

Our prayer must arise: Father, what do you think of me?

When we know what the Father thinks of us, and how much he loves us, and is overjoyed by us, and is ravished in love with us, then we can finally RECEIVE his love, as he is the source of love, and then, finally, we can love others. And then, finally, we can uncover our shame and enter into intimacy with God and with our friends and family.

So the next time you want to cover your shame with a DQ blizzard or a tv marathon or a shopping spree, just stop and sit and ask the Lord to give you what you need in that moment. and once we learn to get our needs met from the source of all things good, then we can start to give others around us what they need too: love.

True versus TRUTH

Graham Cooke has a great saying (well, many great ones, but this is one):

>>Just because something is true doesn’t make it truth.<<

Like many of his great sayings…i nod uh huh…then wait, what??

I’ll explain with an example: someone says “i have an anger problem.” Oh really? Have you been redeemed by the blood of Jesus? If so, we know that from 2 Corinthians 5.17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”

What are these new things that have come? The Holy Spirit has come, for one. John 14.16-17 “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.”

And what does the Holy Spirit bring to us? TRUTH. And…Galatians 5.16/22 “walk by the Spirit…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

So, lets bring it together…if my anger was dealt with on the cross, and i’m a new creation in Christ, filled with the Holy Spirit, which embodies patience…then God is not dealing with my sin, he is calling out my righteousness! i’m gonna repeat that….God is not dealing with your sin (that was already dealt with on the cross), he is dealing with your righteousness! When we hold onto the negative stuff (anger, bitterness, fear) then we give the enemy legal right to use those things against us, instead of giving them back to The Lord.

So, when you are in a situation where you would normally loose your temper, God is not giving you opportunities to be angry, he is giving you opportunities to practice patience! WHOA! He sees you through the blood of Christ, so he isn’t seeing your sin. He is helping you walk in your new nature. In the Spirit. In truth.

This relates to many of us because we are busy trying to “manage” behaviors (like anger management!) and we are not accessing the freedom available in Christ. We are not realizing that the old is gone and the new has come. Oh that we could learn to live in the freedom and truth that God has given us!

What do you do? First, make a list of those bad habits or behaviors….then make a second list of the opposite of each one (anger -> patience, negativity -> joy, these are just my examples…but find a truth in scripture about who you are in Christ that is the opposite of the old nature) Then BURN the first list and keep the second one with you to remind you of what the Lord is calling out and what you are practicing.

PS, this is totally ripped off from Graham Cooke and written in my own words. I take no credit for these ideas. But I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter?

The final step is to pray according to the new information. Here is how I pray for this truth in my life:

Heavenly Father, I praise you for who you are and how you love us. Thank you for sending Jesus to die for our sins and taking on all our junk so that we may be free and know you personally. Thank you that you have buried our old nature and we receive your Spirit of Truth to guide us. Thank you that you desire the best for us, Father. I ask for your Truth to resonate in my heart and mind. Help me not to drudge up my old self and focus on the part of me that is dead. Instead, help me see what is inside of me that is a reflection of YOU. Call out my righteousness, and do not let me resolve myself to a life of bad behaviors and contentment with old lies. I want to know what YOU see in me. Call out my righteousness. Awaken my awareness to the Spirit living inside of me. Call out my righteousness. Stir my heart to recognize and practice the fruits of the Spirit daily. Call out my righteousness. Do not let me get distracted by the old but live in the new. Call out my righteousness. Lift my spirit and breath your life into me. breath your truth into me. I choose today to practice patience. I choose today to BE patient. I choose to tap into the deep well of patience that lives inside of me and call it out! Father, may my thoughts and actions bring you glory and honor today. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Prayer (when distracted by my negative emotions during worship)

Boldly approaching the throne of grace, I come.

Bowed down. Repentant heart. Hungry heart. Longing heart.

Clear my mind, Father.

Let your presence make every stress and fear and anxiety and lie of the enemy fade as dust in the wind…let your presence fill those gaps, open gaps left by the junk that is leaving. Let your Spirit pour into the deep places, leaving no crevice unfilled.

Fill me up Spirit. Increase. I want more. more. more. As much as I can handle. I want it all.

(at the bottom of this journal page this verse is printed: “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled” – Matthew 5:6 HAHA! Immediately I got to read the answer to my prayer! My spirit cried out for fulfillment of what God had already promised! Those are the best prayers. God’s promises are an invitation!)

Prayer from John 18:6

I began to think on a verse during corporate worship yesterday:
John 18:3-6 Judas then, having received the Roman cohort and officers from the chief priests and the Pharisees, came there with lanterns and torches and weapons. So Jesus, knowing all the things that were coming upon Him, went forth and said to them, “Whom do you seek?” They answered Him, “Jesus the Nazarene.” He said to them, “I am He.” So when He said to them, “I am He,” they drew back and fell to the ground.

The Lord gave me a prayer, which I wrote down, and want to share with you in regards to these verses. I hope it brings you hope and encouragement, as it did for me.

Oh, Father, let us cry out to you, let us proclaim who you are and search for you as the soldiers and disciples did. No matter what reason we seek Him. Whether we seek Him to blame Him, or judge Him, or follow Him, or betray Him. Let us all, for whatever reason, search and cry out “Jesus of Nazareth!” and let Him turn and respond, “I AM” and let the GLORY of that realization FALL on us. Let us have no power or resolve or fear or doubt or rationality or knowledge that would allow us to stand and process that realization. But let us have no strength to stand in the reality of who you are, in all your majesty. Let us fall, and rest, in your GLORY, that truth and peace and strength may engulf us and the I AM that is I AM will the the realest thing we have ever known.

uncaged lion

idiotropic meanderings