I get one question a lot: how’s your mom doing?

The other day, a dear friend asked me this question again. The same question that everyone asks. And even though I have answered this question many times and many ways, with varying degrees of honesty and vulnerability or vagueness, this particular time (being already tired and too emotionally drained to be nice) my answer was harsh and forward. I’m tired of this question. I have no good answer to it. My options are to be shallow and direct “oh, shes fine, thanks for asking.” If that’s the kind of answer you want, then don’t even ask, because I hate giving it. I hate all shallow answers to all questions. But when I give an honest answer, and use more than one sentence to explain how things are and what is new with mom, then I see people zone out and quit listening, or interrupt me with a different question. They didn’t really want to know, they are just being polite and asking because they think they should. or maybe they thought they wanted to know, but the answer makes them regret the inquiry. Don’t do that. It hurts more to see people pretend to care of give some social expectation level of caring than to not get the question. Don’t ask unless you want to know. And if you really want to know, then listen when I answer. But I’ve also learned that when the answer, on occasion as it is, turns out to be negative (maybe there is a struggle going on and I’m honest about it), then I see people regret asking again. They ask because they want some praise report or some miracle story. And when the answer is negative, they apologize for asking. They feel bad they asked and made me talk about the hard times. I’m tired of the question. I have tried and tried to formulate a one sentence answer that will satisfy those casually curious people and also suffice for the genuinely concerned. I don’t have one yet. “things continue to be tough at times, but mom keeps her faith and is inspiring to those around her, and we continue to believe for a miracle” That’s about the best I’ve come up with. And it works. But what’s going on with my family and my mom is complex and ever changing and I don’t always even know what’s going on because I’m not there and I’m not always informed. I don’t like this question.

After my (way too long) rant and stern words, my dear friend, who is obviously taken back by my words, responds with something so touching and sensitive. She says “when I ask how your mom is, what I really mean is, how is your heart in dealing with this situation?” wow. That is a totally different question. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked the question more and more. Because as we each traverse through the complicated issues and situations in life, we build / modify our theology and our relationship with the Lord changes and grows (whether closer to Him or further away). Through the process of mom’s illness, I have struggled to trust a God that would allow my mother to suffer in ways that she has. And to see my family be effected in the ways they have. And even though some prayers have been answered, others have not. Big prayers have been left unanswered to my satisfaction. And my relationship with the Lord has definitely ebbed and flowed. And my answer to this question, where is my heart, is a question I can answer. I know where my heart is with the Lord.

I chose to share this story because I think my friend hit on something brilliant. Most of us will, at some point in life, deal with a family illness or know someone who is dealing with a family illness. And instead of taking our social cues from tradition and asking “how is so-and-so.” which I know at times has its place, but we can also ask a much more meaningful question. With everything that’s going on, how is your heart with the Lord?

I know that as my mother’s illness has progressed that each of my family members has been on their own painful journey of faith with the Lord. And each of us come to our own conclusions about his goodness and faithfulness and his role in our lives. And I know for me, talking about my journey and struggle in my faith has helped me tremendously. So, if you can be that person for someone, that will allow them to talk about their heart and their faith, and let them process the events and emotions, then I encourage you to remember this question. How is your heart?

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him. Psalm 28.7

Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me. When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”…Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Ps 27. 7-8, 14