b-utter shame

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So, yesterday i wrote this (great?!) blog about love, shame, and intimacy. then, i went home and felt lonely. literally just moments after writing this blog i was faced with the reality of my own emotions. i was alone. and a little jealous of friends with boyfriends and husbands and babies. and in a society that values marriage and family above singleness in many ways, there can be shame associated with the single life. What’s wrong with me that i’m not married and cherished by a man and bearing children? Not only do I ask myself these questions, but my family and (even) well-meaning strangers ask these questions: Are you seeing anybody? Do you have any children? Why do these things have to define my life as a success or failure? Well, they don’t. But sometimes i get distracted from the awesomeness of God and i let my emotions, my loneliness and jealousy, take away my attention.
But it wasn’t until i was sitting there, eating butter out of the tub and watching netflix that i realized that i was facing the very challenge i just wrote about. (ok, don’t judge me too harshly on the butter….i’m on a low carb/no sugar food plan, so comfort foods just don’t exist in my world and i do love butter. it was all i could find in the house. diet coke and butter was my comfort of choice at the moment). so i’m sitting there, watching a woman birth a beautiful baby, and as the fifth tiny spoonful of butter melts on my tongue, i realize that i’m feeling lonely and jealous and i’m covering it with BUTTER! Talk about covering my shame.
So i asked myself: Self, what was that brilliant thing i wrote earlier? i wrote that intimacy is the answer and just stop and sit and ask the Lord to give you what you need in that moment. This is where the rubber meets the road. Do i really believe what i wrote? If so, then i need to try it. live it. i put the butter away. and….
i pulled out my painting supplies. very urgently, i think in an effort to quickly redeem myself. Then i play the exciting new album i just bought: Kim Walker-Smith singing The King is Here (collaborated with by the awesome Christa Black). and i begin to paint.
white canvas. it annoys me. i want to canvas to feel what i feel. so i start with black. and with every brush stroke i declare, out loud, who God is to me. you are the only one that satisfies me. you are the Lord of my life. you are the most beautiful person i know. and i keep painting until the whole canvas is black. then i let the Lord guide me with every color and brush stroke after that. purple, he says. purple? blah. no wait, dark purple. i splotch out this cornucopia shape slowly into the black. cornucopia*? what is that, anyway? that thing that holds fruit at thanksgiving, i think. Then blue/purple, same shape, just twisted a bit. then a blue one, then a green one, then yellow, each getting smaller. so now i have these cornucopia swirls. now, i had an image, a silhouette of Jesus with a crown of thorns in my mind, but i didn’t know if i had the skill to put it on the canvas. So i asked the Lord, what next? flip the canvas, he said. ok, that’s easy enough. now, we are going to paint that image, but upside down. upside down?! i probably can’t do it right side up! Do you trust me? he ask. Let’s do it together. upside down. sigh. sigh. sigh. ok.
So i get my little angled brush and away with the white we go. I painted carefully, trying to listen to His guidance and NOT my left brain (that critical, no, that isn’t right, side of the brain). i took it slow. i trusted. he guided. we painted. the king is here. the king is here.
And, voila! I turned it around and i could see the King!!!! And in that moment, i felt so completely loved and adored. all the crap i was feeling earlier was GONE. i knew he loved me. i knew he was with me. and i knew i wanted more time with him. So i turned out the lights and sat in his presence, listening to music, and lost track of time.
I share this, because sometimes we can hear / read good teaching but what does it look like to apply it? Well, for me, this is what it looked like to push past the shame, and stop wallowing, and let the Lord love on me. Find an activity you can do with the Lord that allows him to speak to you, or just sit, or whatever you can do to enter his presence. If nothing else, read Psalm 100:
Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations

This Psalm tells us we enter His presence through praise. so, if you can do nothing else, then just sit and praise Him and who He is. come to think of it, that is how i started my painting! not declaring how i feel but what i know to be truth.

*cornucopia, by the way, i looked it up and it is the symbol of abundance and nourishment. Not that’s good stuff!!!!

Here is the final result : )

King

2 thoughts on “b-utter shame”

  2. Perception is everything! :o) As a married. child-bearing couple, we see first-hand how much society disdains family and children. We get rude comments and condolences as if we are missing life or settled for an uninformed and uneducated choice – yes, even among the church. So we come from another angle and also see single people as free to serve GOD with abandon in ways that we could not….though we have no regrets of this season – none! But most importantly, we see them as people….period. Not “almost people” who need marriage before they become “real” or something.

    BUT, I do remember the single days and the feelings of not having “arrived or the “help” that was offered as if I simply couldn’t do it myself, like riding a bicycle and needing training wheels until I got the hang of it. People were well-meaning but made me feel pathetic. Like the lady who came over in a restaurant and told me how sorry she was that I had to eat alone and how it broke her heart. As if THAT made it better! LOL (Honestly I never minded eating alone unless it made others uncomfortable!)

    And regarding how it all turned out for you and the inspiration…..VERY COOL!

    Stephen – a former butter-with-a-spoon-eater! LOL

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